Never the same…

Fuck. I hate it when I have to keep my shit together!!!

I’m on the recliner in the one position that doesn’t make me feel continually eviscerated… And minding how tight my muscles are….

Something you should know… There’s a delicate balance that must be maintained at all times… Like a Faberge egg held suspended between two stretched wires… Pull one too tight, and the egg tips, topples to a million pieces on the floor… Likewise, the other wire will transfer energy that upsets the balance in the opposite direction… Then…. There is a surgical binder that snags the hips and chokes the organs… But it’s job is to steady the wires. Steady. Don’t move too quickly.

I’m so cold… I’m holding steady… Gingerly leaning ever so slightly…. grasping the edge of my blanket lying just inches away on the floor…  I use my index and middle fingers like chopsticks…

Closing the gap between them until in them I feel the edge of the fabric…I lift the lightweight blanket up and over my legs… Useless legs propped on pillows to give me a “C” shape,  relaxing those abdominal muscles…. Holding steady…. Until something comes along…

Like a goddammed mutherfucking spider.
On my mutherfucking blanket!!

I’m home alone.
I can’t upset the wires.
I can’t tip the egg.
I reach over for a paper towel I’ve been using as a coaster…
And squish that little mutherfucker.
I squish with all my might and….
a little harder still with all my deep resentment.

All I wanted to do was lose my shit.  I’m angry. I want to cry. But….
Now I’m feeling like a badass.
I killed that mutherfucker cold.
I shouldn’t have had to.
I shouldn’t have had to.
But I did have to.
I was the only one who could.
A softer part of myself dies with that spider.

I did what I had to.


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