Few things as funny

… As my BFF, L,  when she’s had a few drinks. I’m curled up in the cuddler (a piece of upholstered furniture… Bigger than a chair and a half, smaller than a loveseat), waiting on my coffee to finish brewing, and I’m still giggling just thinking about how she cracked me up last night.

The best joke of the night (which will pale in my retelling, so just trust me… It was fucking hilarious)… After a few margaritas and bodies moving around the kitchen, I got super hot… And I asked L confidentially if she thought I could get away with taking off the sweatshirt I’d been using to hide my muffin top/ love handles. I unzipped a little too show her… She made the face I make when I say “Aww, pumpkin….”  in reference to someone who is SO clueless, they don’t even comprehend how ridiculous their question is (and how obvious the answer is).

Then she said… “You should probably just open a window” , I about lost my mind laughing. We both did. (Damn, it’s good to have her back after a long week of her visiting family, etc)

I can’t wait to use recovery time for other beauty purposes… L &  I are going to photo document our faces while using a specific brand of facial skin rejuvenation product (no spoilers!!) and then see about morphing each daily photo into an awesome gif that shows the difference using the product makes.
I’m also going to try castor oil and emu oil on my hair to try to bring back some hair follicles, if that’s even possible. I’ve heard great things. I’ve lived with super fine hair my whole life, and in my twenties, it got really thin as a result of taking some medication. (I literally lost like half of my hair).  I’ve been taking biotin for surgery prep anyway, so I should at least have stronger nails soon, if nothing else.  I’m hoping that I’ll have improved results not only with a super flat tummy, but also gorgeous hair, and flawless skin. (a girl can dream, can’t she??)

I can’t wait to be able to take off a layer without embarrassment!!

5 days, 9 hours and 22 minutes since my last cigarette!!!


Baby’s Graduation

My first baby graduates in just over an hour. His BCT graduation was more impressive, but we’re still proud of him. He can’t wait to move on to AIT.

Skyped my surgeon today. I’ve never been more convinced he’s the right man for the job. 

Ten days and a wakeup!


Surviving Girls’ Night

Generally every Thursday night my betches (this is a term of endearment) and I get together for wine or other drinks and some delicious snack foods.   Most often, I’ll knock back a bottle of red wine while we gossip and work on a project (sometimes the only project is more gossip). I used to smoke about 6-12 cigarettes over the course of an average girls night.  No more smokes, no more red wine (until well after surgery).

Last night we helped H with some teacher appreciation paper pinwheels for an upcoming PTA function.  Sometimes we have a project to work on, other times we don’t. The last project I helped work on involved drinking lots of wine and using a Dremmel.  😀

My mom was also here last night, so that was awesome… After I stopped wanting to pinch her head off. Lol.  She sees no need for Xanax (weak!!!) or vapor inhalers (lame!!!). That’s her business. Mine is getting through the best I can. 😛

It wasn’t the easiest thing, too socialize and drink without smoking…..but with the help of the 0mg (or, as I originally read it, OMG) nicotine water vapor inhaler, I survived. It really helps to fake smoke. 🙂 

It’s been 3 days, 6 hours, and 44 minutes. According to my app, I’ve NOT smoked 65 cigarettes, and added 715 minutes to my life. That’s only about 12 hours, but still….I’m take them! (As long as they’ll never be like the first 12 hours without cigarettes.  Sweet baby Jesus, I never want to go through that again.) I may not pick up smoking again after I heal from surgery, simply because the last three days have been like the seventh circle of hell.

Quite by accident, I found a pack of smokes in my DH’s workshop area in the garage last night. I am freaking proud to say that I opened the box, smelled them and put them back. 

(I’m less proud to admit I whiffed the hell out of my eldest son’s friend’s hoodie, as it smelled like smoke… I never knew that kid smoked! Guess my sense of smell is getting sharper already). 

I’ll be damned if in going to have even one now. The nicotine is officially out of my body entirely. Eff that. No way I’m going back.

I feel less frantic and edgy than usual this morning. The worst of the addiction is behind me.  In eleven days, I’ll be prepped and ready to undergo the operation. Wow. Eleven.

Tonight I get to see my eldest graduate high school. (tomorrow night we celebrate)  Today is workout, clean the house, get supplies and I have a Skype consult today at 12:30 with my plastic surgeon. Busy day.


Half way through the worst part

72 hours… Time it takes to get all the nicotine out. I’m almost half way there.  I probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee.

It’s a trigger. Coffee and a cigarette.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Eggs and bacon.  How can you have one without the other???  Jesus, a smoke and a cup of joe as been my breakfast of choice for as long as I can remember.

I am excited about smelling like a nonsmoker. I’m always paranoid about if I smell gross or have smoker’s breath. (I’m sure the answer to both had always been yes, but I deluded myself into thinking some gum or perfume would cover it).

So… Between smelling nicer and not having necrotizing incisions, those are the only two parts I’m into.   The rest of it… I want to say fuck it and grab a pack on my way to the gym.

But I’ve come half way through the worst if it, and I’ll be goddammed if I’m going to go through the last 31 hours again. Eff that. This is crazy hard.  Mind bogglingly hard.

DH (dear husband, or, douchey husband) said to just count down my two weeks prior to surgery and the two after, because he’s certain I’ll just start again as soon as I’m just enough healed from surgery.  I don’t know what his angle is there… But it makes me want to punch him in his babymaker…

Ugh. To the gym. Miss both my workout buddies. 😦 
Gotta burn off the extra calories I’ve been consuming.  I need a nicotine free cigarette.


The first 24

The first 24 hours are behind me (Actually I’m at nearly 25.5 smoke-free hours,  but who’s counting?) I think of smoking a lot.  I’ve cried. A lot. 

I vaguely remember the husband coming to my bedside, telling me he loves me, kissing me and then helping me out of my sweatshirt.  I was indeed sweating. I think that was an apology? I’m not sure.  I just remember being really upset that I’d only been asleep from 7-9 pm.  I feel back asleep at 9 until just now.

Thanks to Xanax I’ve not broken off on anyone and been able to sleep through a few rougher parts.  Thanks to some supportive friends I am coping.  I do seem to be eating a lot more. 😥  but I’m doing my best to keep it in check. (she says… As she eats crackers in bed). 

There are people I need to call, but I’m scared… My most frequent smoking situation is when I’m in the phone. Yesterday I was able to talk on the phone while I walked the dog… Even in the misting rain. I have a feeling the dog and I both are going to get a lot more exercise.

On the downside, I am not thinking as clearly as usual. I’m not very articulate right now. And I want a fucking cigarette like my life depends on it.

Recommended reading:


Longest day ever

This is the longest day of my life.
Made longer by uninformed and unsolicited commentary.

“It’s not that big of a deal.  Besides… You knew what you were doing when you took your first puff.  I don’t see any reason to be so dramatic about it. Don’t think you’re going to get any sympathy from me… Or anyone else for that matter… ”

” Oh, I assure you, I never expect an ounce of sympathy from you, for any reason, under any circumstance… And this is no exception.  But answer me this…. tell me how your lecture is helping in any way? ”

Angry silence.
Tears down my cheeks.

18 hrs 24 min


Summer Hours

I like summer hours on campus for ME.  For me, it means not stepping foot in my office from May until August, when I’ll swoop in with just enough time to print my office hours door sign and a few syllabi.   But when the Rec center has summer hours, it leaves me sitting in the parking lot with a half hour to kill, wanting a cigarette so bad that I’ve thought of a half dozen ways to cheat. They are as follows:

1. Go to tobacco store, buy a pack. Smoke.  (save the other 19 for when I feel like this again)
2. Find a smoker, bum one.
3. Check my office for emergency cigarette stash.
4. Go to tobacco store, ask lady to sell me exactly one. That way I’m not tempted by those other 19.
5. Use hubby’s e-cigarette, have the verboten nicotine just to take the edge off, be deeply disappointed that I just didn’t have a cigarette.
6. Go back home, rummage through ashtrays and smoke what’s left in the butts.

I like to bookend a perfectly healthy workout with a cigarette right before and just after.  (no judgement, right?)

This has been the longest morning… And it’s only 6 am.